Creating space for ‘new’

Whenever we’re focusing on creating something new, setting intentions or being in the process of moving forward it’s always important to notice what is holding us back from what we’re capable of. What we need to let go of, what is beyond our control, and being able to navigate carefully – to not foster resentment, jealousy or ill energy towards the past. It may be a belief we need to shift about our identity, how you’ve been treated, or how others have wronged us – they all require a process of shedding. This post may be a little more ‘spiritual’ than others – but we’re focusing on energy when we want to let go, so it’s necessary to go a little deeper – but back it up with some science and studies too.

Taking on a new challenge can be scary, and we all want to avoid mistakes and pain, especially if we’ve been hurt. Rather than seeing the past as crippling, take on an attitude of learning and focus on ‘getting better’. Give yourself permission to screw up and not be perfect all the time – we’re always in a process – always.

As a Coach, I do struggle with goals, in a traditional sense – I get how they work and for a lot of people they are motivating and help them achieve, but for me it’s alignment to your values and intent that makes them powerful and effective – which is the trick some people miss. I recently found this great article at Fulfillment Daily on ‘get better’ goals rather than ‘be good’ goals, which dissects setting yourself up for success well. They note from their study, your ability to cope under pressure and handle stressful situations as a significant indicator of future success. Capable people turn obstacles into a source of growth and opportunity. Mentally strong people avoid dwelling on the past, resenting the success of others and feeling sorry for themselves. Here is another great article published in Forbes magazine, on what successful people avoid. The majority of these points come back to your ability to let go and process experiences as lessons.

Remember, ‘that which you give energy to, breeds’. A version of this line was said to me many years ago, and it rings true. If you’re offering a suffocating experience or person your energy, you’re fueling its power – and its authority to constrict your current (and future) beliefs. Focus on what ‘capacity you have’ to let it go now, not its ‘potential to be released’ some day soon (that will never happen!)

The ‘serenity prayer’ is still hanging in my parents bathroom, I’ve stared at it from age seven or eight, when I was able to read it – and probably only understood its message by the time I was a in my 20s. Letting go of what you cannot change in others is liberating. And having wisdom to know when you are in the process of accepting this, is invaluable.

Don’t enter a power struggle with your past. Let it go. Create space for the new.

See people and circumstances for what they gave you; insight, opportunity for growth, freedom – not for how they let you down or disappointed you. This may take time to process and recognise but eventually if you motion it, you’ll be able to let it go. Be able to forgive, and if you’re struggling with this, see blogs on what I’ve written about forgiveness here.

Often we think something needs to be resolved in order for us to let it go. This is not the case. Letting go, or forgiveness is an intention you make – it is an energy you hold onto, not a thing. So a decision to release it can restore vitality, possibility and integrity to your life – and space for the new.

I’m going to leave you with the words of Gabrielle Bernstein who suggests, ‘your journey of personal development is all part of a divine plan. Our deepest struggles are the catalysts for our greatest change. The moment we embark on a spiritual journey, something radical awakens in us: a deep desire to spread the love. Whether you realise it or not, when you begin to unearth the light within yourself, you’ll soon want to carry the message. Your only purpose is to be the light.’

Experiment a little…

A couple of tools for you:

Just focusing on light helps to you release and shift. Use your breath, this is the source of life, slow its pace as much as you can without strain. Let the new breath in be cleansing, healing and clearing space. Close your eyes and imagine white light entering your body, deep down into your chest and heart area, then into the diaphragm and cleansing your organs. Let the exhale be equal in length, but see it carrying away toxins, unwanted energy and emotions. See the darkness leaving your body – anything that you want to be rid of. Ensure you’re breathing correctly, with an inhale expand your chest and belly, on the exhale your body falls back towards the spine. Let each new breath spread the light all around your body. Any time you get distracted with thoughts just bring your attention back to your breath and let the thoughts pass by like clouds in the sky, don’t entertain them. Try to do this for just three minutes once a day, and increase each day by one minute – until you can get to 20-30 minutes in total. See what a difference this makes when you truly let the unwanted energy release.

And to take it a step further, and the process deeper, here is a set of questions you can use to focus on a person or situation you resent and want to release. You can repeat this many times over, or for several people and circumstances, until you feel a sense of having let go. This exercise is great for processing all types of relationships.

Who/ what am I carrying a resentment toward?

Write out a list. Select one at a time, and go through each of these questions for each person/ situation.

What do I resent this person for?
What can I be responsible for in this situation?
In what ways can this experience help me become a more mature person?
What lessons did I learn?
What good can come of this situation?
What have I been unwilling to accept in this situation?
What can I let go of so the situation is complete?

© adapted from work by Katherine Woodward Thomas.

Go ‘big’ this year

Following on from my recent post, I want to give you some exercises to dare, dream and go BIG in 2015. Use the momentum of January to kick-start something you have been waiting to do, get rid of any complacency, deep seeded fears and start – one step at a time.

Whether the past year was a challenge or a triumph, the quote comes to mind, ‘what doesn’t break us only makes us stronger’. So no matter what your year was like, there are always lessons and ways to use that wisdom to create new possibilities. As I reflect back – all the challenges I faced have only made me stronger, more resilient and equipped me to be better at facing life. After all, I see each day as an adventure and know my choices, moment by moment, guide that adventure.

Have you cleared some mental and emotional space? Let the cobwebs form over 2014. If you want some good tips on letting go, read my posts on fear, energy leaks and forgiveness – however I plan to dedicate next week’s post to ‘letting go’ if there are still some niggles persisting.

For now, let’s focus on what we want, to create, to vision, to achieve. I asked you to think up some themes that are important to you right now. Some areas to focus on, in 2015. How’d you go with those? Let’s use these as the basis for setting intentions and actions towards. These themes are likely to do with your values. To understand your values better click here. This is what is deeply important to us and guides our mindset, emotions and behaviours. That is why getting your theme accurate sets you on the right track before you set objectives and actions.

Below is a step-by-step guide to get clear on what you want to achieve and take the first steps towards it (plus an example). From my experience, and working with Clients, the feedback is that doing something small regularly (just a couple of minutes a day) is how you get lasting success in time, plus it re-programs you towards new ways of being (or healthy habits).

I also recommend you evaluate yourself regularly, so you can track your progress. It could be weekly or monthly. But have a check-in with yourself and keep yourself accountable to seeing progress. Pop a diary request in, so you have check-ins set up for the months ahead.

Lastly, I suggest you pick 1-3 things and do them well. Taking on too much becomes overwhelming and over-commits you, when time can be scarce. Often, focus on one helps it get achieved quicker (or the habit down pat) so you can move onto the next.

Can I leave you with one final point – believe in yourself and commit to yourself, you always have those two choices. Use your choices wisely by valuing yourself enough to keep up – as you will be kept up and rewarded.

Experiment a little…

Take your first theme, and do the following sets of questions, then repeat for each additional one. Consider what is right for you, not others, not what is expected – but what you want to fulfill for yourself.
E.g. Security.

What is it you want to achieve? Articulate it into one sentence – with a clear statement of ‘exactly’ what you want.
E.g. A $50,000 deposit for my first home by the end of 2015.

Why is this important to you?
E.g. To set myself up for a secure future. To ensure I commit to a saving plan that honours my need for security, invest my money wisely into my future (vs. spending on things I don’t necessarily need!)

If it’s currently lacking in your life, can you come up with an idea to why? How have your beliefs or actions contributed to it missing. If it’s present, how can you enhance it further, and stronger?
E.g. I often dip into my savings for shopping and other items that aren’t necessarily a priority, they are an indulgence – this has prevented me getting ahead financially in the past. I need commitment, rather than denial towards my financial future. See each dollar I earn/ spend as ROI equation – what am I getting from it – from groceries, to holidays, to savings beyond (it’s the tangible).

If it is/ were present, what would life be like? Break it down three ways; a typical day, an important event, and how you’ll feel come December 31st having that met every day in some small way.
E.g. typical day – each time I buy something record it in my spending plan to I track purchases – understand ‘why’ I am spending each dollar and what I get from the purchase e.g. healthy night in vs. drinking with friends.
Important event – Pay day! Transfer money across to my savings account every pay day (non-negotiable). I’ll see the progress and bank balance rising.
December 31st – I will feel amazing if I can reach my target! I will be able to justify giving up the small indulgences for a longer-term gain and proud of myself for being committed to my future. I will feel even more amazing if I have been able to resist the temptation to dip into the savings for an entire year.

Remember, just like savings earning interest, it’s the small incremental changes that are the most powerful, and lasting.

So now for the ACTION. What can you do to make this happen? Both right now, in the next 48 hours and in the next few months. Brainstorm some plans, but only commit to these three actions. Store the others for when you need motivation, to plan the next step – and I suggest revisiting the next step once a week.

E.g. Now – set up the template for my annual spending plan.
Next 48 hours – set up the automatic transfer to my savings account every month and a time each week to look at my budget and make entries/ adjustments.
Next few months – track my spending, and make sure entries are up to date and accurate so I know where I stand. And each month do one thing towards buying a property, see below.
Other ideas – think of what I can say to people when I can’t attend an event (wanting to save money instead), how I can rationalise to myself that the long term gain is better than a quick fix purchase (sentence to myself when the temptation is there?), see if I can save more after a few months (?!) see where I can make more efficiencies as I understand how I am spending my money, ask an expert for advice (financial advisor?), see the bank about what is involved in getting a loan, see a mortgage broker, start to research properties in areas I’d like to buy, research property market trends and forecasts, ask friends how they purchased first home (steps and sacrifices) etc…

Letting go of dark energy. Forgive to be happy.

Forgiveness can be an undervalued factor to happiness.

Often we carry a lot of resentment, anger, distrust and other feelings around with us, these are all ways that we’re stopping ourselves from forgiving. From the pissed off feeling when someone cuts you off in traffic, just forgive them instead of road raging after them to give the bird. Right up to massive deeds of forgiveness like cheating partners or lies from friends and family.

Your inability to forgive can be a dark cloud you carry around with you. Consider if it’s really necessary? Sometimes it’s valid, and there is time to manage the frustration of it. But there is also a point where you need to begin the process of letting go.

Is there is any deadwood you’re hanging onto at the moment that is actually having effect on your performance, your actions, your thoughts and feelings. Perhaps an ex you can’t stop thinking about, your kid being naughty this morning, your boss for loading you with more work, a snide comment from your mother, a friend who didn’t offer support when you needed it, your partner staying out later than normal last night. What ever it is, just start to see if you can release it, send a silent word of forgiveness out to them. Let the tension lift from your shoulders.

Experiment a little…
Blow it away, that dark cloud hanging over you. Let go, forgive and embrace the space of being open and more joyous. Don’t let your rigidity hold you back.

A forgiveness story…

One of the points I wanted to emphasise in March’s focus on forgiveness was being able to forgive ourselves, not how we need to give and receive forgiveness externally (which is usually how people view forgiveness as a process). I want to tell a story from my own life as that way it takes it away from the theory and into real life. This story is about some people, ex-colleagues I care about (a lot) who forgave me for a career error I made. Yet I refused to do so for myself, until recently, it’s something that has really influenced me for many years, I’ve been dragging the shame around, and it popped up and released as we worked through the process last month. I can speak from first hand experience about how a lack of internal forgiveness can lead us to punish ourselves far more than what anyone else can.

I’ll take you briefly through the circumstances. I was a mid 20 something, starting out my career in advertising, working in my second role – one with more seniority and responsibility. The industry is known to be fast-paced and quite a hectic environment, where you need to juggle many tasks and also meet unbelievable deadlines, working long hours or under pressure. I’m not making any excuses here; I’m just setting the scene, it’s also often referred to as a ‘work hard, play hard’ culture, so for all the long hours there is lots of celebration and reward, it’s really social, the people are dynamic, and it’s provided me with some of the best times and experiences of my career, and life. You learn something every day in that business, that’s for sure.

I was working on a large FMCG client (fast moving consumer goods – for those not used to that acronym) and we’d just completed a promotion campaign. My job at this stage of the process was to call each of the prize winners, and let them know what they had won. It was one of the best parts of the job, hearing how excited people were. In this case I had to call nearly 200 people; I was surrounded by spreadsheets and hulled myself up in a room with a phone for an entire week making countless calls, leaving messages and returning them over again – ensuring contact details were accurate, making sure address details were correct for the mail house to send gifts. The 40 main prize winners all needed flights/ accommodation/ transfers and itineraries interstate to Sydney for 3 days of shooting ads. This may seem like a small task but it’s actually a lot of organisation and liaison to coordinate travel plans for 40 people (when you’re not used to it), as well as the remaining other top tier prizes. I feel exhausted just thinking about it all again…

In the process I rang the wrong person on the list, muddling up where I was, and told them they had won a prize that they actually hadn’t. So again for those who don’t know, all those competitions you see on TV and read in magazines, they actually have a lot of government regulation on running them, you need a permit to conduct them, and you need to send a record of prize winners to the state authorities. Businesses take them very seriously, with marketing teams, legal teams and public affairs departments working on the terms and conditions and how to communicate them fairly to people for months before they start. To award the wrong prize is actually a big f*ck up on my part (I curse my attention to detail skill, that I usually pride myself on). But that’s not the main part of the story; the part I was ashamed for was the next step I took.

I switched the names on the list and didn’t tell anyone. Thinking I could hide my mistake. But for all the times you try to hide something, you usually get caught. My Mum’s words sting my ears as I write this, ‘telling the truth is always the best option when you’re unsure’. I was aware that the list was drawn by an independent party, and published in newspapers, so when winners were announced incorrectly I was found out. I knew it was inevitable but I kept silent to my superiors for over a week, which resulted in them being drawn over hot coals with the Client, and the Client being drawn over hot coals with the permit authorities and given a warning that their license could be revoked next time they want to run a promotion (which is MASSIVE when they run about $10m worth of promotions every year!). I kept silent while questions were being asked, and I shudder now typing this. I hope you can understand the enormity of the choice I made. It caused me nights of insomnia at the time, losing the trust of my Managers and my team, loss of faith from the Client not only in me and my abilities – but also for the entire Agency. I was disciplined and handed a warning – in fact I’m surprised I even kept my job!

It gives me shivers thinking back to how (easily) I could have managed the situation so much better. Yet it also gives me immense faith in people when I consider how my Managers handled it, how they chose to see me beyond this one mistake – to put themselves on the line for me, and to give me another chance when I barely deserved it. I stuck it out with that business for another year and I didn’t step out of line, once. The experience actually transformed me as a person, it taught me that I needed to ask for help when I was unsure, that I can’t be perfect but to admit it when things go wrong before they go off the rails, and you often can’t solve a problem all by yourself.

But my point for this post is not to publicly call myself out, but rather to highlight that this incident kept me in a ball of shame for a long time, for many years, and I feel that I only released it in the last month. This ball of shame played out with me putting my future Managers on pedestals and kept me trapped in a belittled position, like I was working in a cage to appease Managers and Clients – prove that I am an honest and trustworthy person all over again (even when they had no knowledge of this incident). It got better with time, but it would niggle when problems came up and having to speak my truth or choices I wanted to make. Even when the original Managers had long ago released me from my mistake, in fact they are both still friends of mine now, I kept myself locked up in my own cage of being a ‘wrong-doer’.

I no longer see myself as a ‘bad’ person, but rather I am simply a person who made a bad choice. There is a difference. The difference is the forgiveness of the act internally and helps me to overcome the shame and seeing myself as fundamentally flawed.

I feel vulnerable, shy and awkward sharing this post, but I know it’s also important for my current business to put myself on the line and also demonstrate what internal forgiveness feels like. I’m not perfect and have no illusions of ever having been. But I do now pride myself in being able to tell the truth, and that’s important in my line of business – authenticity and integrity is critical for coaching (and life). In retrospect, it was a great lesson to learn and shaped my future in ways I wouldn’t have imagined at the time. What this last month and process has taught me is this: how valuable it is to forgive yourself, and how we can trap ourselves in our own pain long after an event has passed and others (who we tend to project requiring forgiveness from) have managed to let it go.

Experiment a little…

All I ask for you to consider today is how you may be keeping yourself in a cage. Is there something you need to release yourself from, through forgiving yourself for a past action?

Forgiveness – it’s beyond being rational.

It has been a tricky challenge writing this post over the last week as I go through the process myself. I am finding it difficult to keep focus on letting go and what it is I need to release exactly. It’s somehow easier to hold onto the ‘perception’ of someone being evil to me and wanting to cause me harm in the fall out of a relationship, when in actual fact by me holding onto these feelings I am only doing harm to myself. Quite the contradiction, as the person I am focusing on likely has no idea of the experience I am putting myself through. I’m really focusing on the lessons given and on placing gratitude towards the experience I had, what enabled me to expand in awareness, and set me back on the path towards what I want my life to be, and the type of people (and energy) I want surrounding me.

In the tremendous book I mentioned at the beginning of March, ‘Forgiveness and other acts of love’ from Stephanie Dowrick, she has blended research from eastern and western myths and psychology. I really appreciate and align to the way it’s been written. If I could regurgitate it all without being pulled up for plagiarism I would. Plus it offers useful ways to apply to your own life using relevant examples and stories from traditional and modern folklore – making it easy to digest and understand, both in theory and practice.

I want to float some of the contents of the chapter by you, and see what you think in regards to your own journey of forgiveness. Can you connect back with the issue, person or situation you want to release this month? See if what I explain below feels relevant to you, each paragraph will introduce another concept. So it’s not necessarily written to flow but more capture the points made.

– – –

It opens with the concept that forgiveness is ‘felt’ rather than being a thing we can hold or account for. It’s a bodily feeling and hard to rationalise or define as a ‘thing’. Often when its presence is felt there is a weight in or on us, however once released you’ll experience feeling lighter (and for me, liberated). Does this make sense to you? Can you connect with that feeling within you? Both before and after you’ve held onto or released forgiveness? When we’re holding onto the tension there is muscular discomfort, sleeplessness, you’re vulnerable to illness, your face clenches onto frowns and I find that I lose touch with my senses. All this lifts when released and you begin to taste, see, hear and feel again, movement comes more freely, and suddenly the world can be renewed or brighter for you, perhaps there is opportunity all around. You’ll become accessible and available to friends, family and others, you’ll also be available to yourself and willing to think more broadly, feel more experiences and be less anxious. Are you resonating with this feeling rather than forgiveness being a ‘thing’?

I also like that forgiveness is also something that can be given, but not always received. Forgiveness doesn’t have a home outside of you. You may not even experience it when you have been forgiven, but will feel it when you’ve been able to give it.

One of the key contributions to her chapter on Forgiveness is the work of Roberto Assagioli, who is known as the founder of a practice called ‘psychosynthesis’. I connected strongly with his belief, ‘what we pay attention to reverberates in our lives’. That holding onto anger, resentment, judgment, fear of another person or situation and being unwilling to let go or forgive self and others is only doing ourselves harm. If we continue to hold onto this we will attract more of it in our lives. And so the problem perpetuates itself. Consider this when you look at all the areas of your life you need to release, consider what you can attract in terms of more positivity rather than holding onto bad feelings and carrying it forward in other areas of your life.

Dowrick makes it very clear that the act of forgiveness is also in no way attributed to condoning behaviour. She quotes Dawna Markova, ‘forgiveness in no way justifies the actions that you caused your wounding, nor does it mean you have to seek out those that harmed you. It is simply a movement to release and ease your heart of the pain and hatred that binds it. It is the harvested fruit of a season of darkness, followed by a season of growth, and very hard work.’ This means that the person doing the forgiving is no weak, making excuses or lax, rather that they are acknowledging two important things:

– They are capable of learning from their suffering.
– They are willing to acknowledge that all people involved are no less or no more deserving of love than the other.

The rational mind will want to defend the last statement especially, but trust me sit with the process and you’ll find that forgiveness is the path to freedom from suffering. This links to the quoted image above from Ghandi, ‘the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong’. I whole-heartedly believe it does take strength to forgive, to let the resentment pass, yet not approve of the behaviour, rather learn from it and prevent it happening again. This is powerful in situations of immense pain and extreme circumstances like murder of a loved one, child abuse and breaking of trust in relationships right through to other wounding that affects us.

Forgiveness is a process each of us must endure in our lives, it is part of what makes us whole and human. To both give forgiveness and accept forgiveness. None of us are perfect and we don’t come into this life with an entitlement over others, we’re equal and some are just more blessed than others given circumstances and events that happen to us. Dowrick captures the human aspect of forgiveness beautifully, ‘at the heart of so many of our dilemmas is an inability to forgive life itself for not giving us what we believe we deserve.’ Accepting our own suffering – from illness, disability or depression – whatever form it takes is an act of forgiveness, from life, from ourselves and of others. If you consider someone you know who has gone through this process or even of yourself, there is a ripple of relief that passes over their bodies when they accept and forgive the situation. It’s those that can’t or won’t that seem tense, stuck and often full of rage. Clarissa Pinkola Estes wraps it up with her statement, ‘it’s important to remember that ‘final’ forgiveness is not surrender. It’s a conscious decision to cease to harbour resentment.’ It can be difficult, involves stepping back, and trusting that the breadth of your vision will shift and expand and your feelings can be left in the past.

These are some of the points of the chapter, and there are many more, but I wanted to capture five of the ones that resonated with me, and hopefully with you as well. Before I leave this book, I want to also acknowledge that forgiveness is the final chapter. Prior are five others, in what Stephanie describes as the ‘six greatest qualities of humankind’. The other five are courage, fidelity, restraint, generosity and tolerance. See if you can connect with these if you’re interested in the writings above I highly recommend getting a copy of the book.

– – –

Some other great readings on the connection of forgiveness that I have experiences (and are mostly connected with gratitude) are ‘Man’s search for meaning’ by Viktor Frankl, ‘Radical Gratitude’ by Andrew Bienkowski & Mary Akers, and ‘Letting go of the person you used to be’ by Lama Surya Das. Let me know any other references you’ve found useful on the topic.

Next week I’m going to look at the way forgiveness is processed on an energetic level, within the chakra system and key teaching from crystal healing. And beyond that, share my own story on forgiveness, I am processing along with you and yours this month.

Experiment a little…

I always find it’s easier to release when you focus on the positive and have gratitude towards the contribution a person made towards your life. If they broke your heart, they were able to build it up at one point. If they did wrong by you, they also bought you a lesson in trust for self and others.

See if you can have a go at focusing on having gratitude towards the person or situation that you’re working on to forgive this month. See if that can shift you away from the harm you’re currently focusing on.

Let’s look at forgiveness

I would like to focus on the topic of forgiveness in March. It’s a topic I’ve wanted to write about for a while, but have not been quite sure how to broach it. I read an inspiring book and attended the author talk many years ago that made me see forgiveness in a whole new light, it was ‘Forgiveness and other acts of love’ by Stephanie Dowrick, a resource I still treasure for myself and recommend for many Clients and friends. I’m going to blog this month as I re-work my way through the book and also using other learnings and resources for a perspective on forgiveness, both towards self and others.

There is rich belief in the power of forgiveness in Buddhism and other philosophical teachings. I am not an expert, and it would take a whole book to explain and translate exactly, but in a nutshell here is how I can translate what it means to me, to you; there is a faith and belief in being able to see even the most difficult times and situations of your life as an opportunity to grow and therefore a blessing or to your benefit. When being present to current troubles you may not be able to see the direct benefit, but in time most people can reflect back and see gifts (subsequent awareness and growth) in their suffering. This can allow you to surrender to what is not in your control and sustain faith throughout the difficulties you face. It’s a powerful reframing technique, and it involves forgiveness and gratitude, and I’d like to address this in the blog this month as well. How we can begin to ‘forgive’ ourselves and others for the suffering created, whether intentional or not.

I also wrote back in January about the sense of feeling emptied, and connecting the changes we go through individually to the universal changes in each season, well here in Australia we’re shifting into autumn, and this is a time to connect with the energy of water and emotions, which can be supported by asking ourselves, ‘what am I open to, and what do I want to let go of?’ This ties in nicely with the theme of forgiveness, as I see the act of letting go linked strongly to being able to surrender to a situation, event or person.

Let’s see how the month unfolds, as we move through the often difficult or confronting process of forgiveness, it’s could be challenging and tricky, or open to debate, but also I feel a sense of liberation is in our sights.

Experiment a little…

What does forgiveness mean to you?
Is there something you’d like to work on forgiving this month, both for yourself, or towards another?
Could you write it down, and we’ll see how you can shift perspective over the next month.